Defeating the ego and getting rid of the ego is, ironically, the ego itself.
The Ego's Games and the Itch: Observing, Not Fighting
The ego is a fascinating, persistent force. It often masquerades as the hero, promising transcendence, enlightenment, or freedom—if only we could "get rid" of it. Yet this very pursuit of defeating the ego is one of its cleverest games. By setting up a desire for an egoless state, the ego ensures its own survival through your efforts to resist it. This paradox is the essence of the ego’s trickery: the harder you fight it, the stronger its grip becomes.
The Illusion of an Egoless State
Many spiritual seekers aim for a state of complete surrender, often referred to as egolessness. While moments of profound stillness can feel like a temporary freedom from the ego, they too are transient. Like all states, they arise and pass, shifting with the ever-changing dynamics of life. The challenge begins when we desire to hold on to such states, believing they signify "success." But desiring surrender is itself an egoic act, as it attempts to control the present moment and bend it to our will.
This realization is crucial: the goal isn’t to eliminate the ego, as this is impossible. Instead, the key lies in understanding the games the ego plays and learning to see it for what it is—a collection of thoughts, desires, and behaviors conditioned by our experiences and fears.
Stephen Wolinsky and the Ego’s Games
Stephen Wolinsky’s work emphasizes that understanding the ego’s strategies is vital for any spiritual or psychological growth. The ego thrives on identification—when we take thoughts, emotions, or even our roles in life as permanent or unchangeable parts of who we are. By observing these patterns, we can begin to detach from them and see them as transient phenomena rather than fixed truths.
The ego loves to distract, resist, and divide. It tells us, “You’re not there yet,” creating a perpetual sense of inadequacy. It even co-opts spiritual practices, turning them into goals to achieve or competitions to win. Recognizing these games is the first step to freeing ourselves from their grasp.
The Itch: A Perfect Metaphor
Meditation offers an excellent laboratory for observing the ego’s games, and nothing illustrates this better than the metaphor of the itch. Imagine sitting in complete stillness during meditation. An itch arises—a seemingly small and insignificant sensation. Yet, the more you focus on wanting it to go away, the more intense it becomes. This is resistance at work. The itch grows not because it’s inherently unbearable, but because your desire to change it amplifies your awareness of it.
Now, imagine simply observing the itch. You don’t try to scratch it or make it go away. You just watch it—its sensation, its intensity, and eventually, its fading. This simple act mirrors how we can approach thoughts and emotions tied to the ego. The more we observe without reacting, the more these feelings lose their power over us.
The Ego’s Positive and Negative Games
The ego’s games are not always negative—it can attach itself to both pleasurable and painful experiences, creating traps on either side. Understanding both the positive and negative aspects of these games is key to loosening the ego’s hold.
Positive Ego Games
Compliments and Validation: When someone compliments you—"You’re so intelligent" or "You’re really tall"—the ego can latch onto these affirmations. If you attach your sense of self-worth to these compliments, they may temporarily boost your confidence. However, this attachment creates dependency. For example, if someone taller or seemingly smarter comes along, the same ego that thrived on validation now triggers insecurity or envy.
Achievements and Success: Winning an award or achieving a goal can feed the ego’s narrative of "I am better than others." While success can be fulfilling, over-identification with it can make failures or criticisms devastating. For instance, a writer who defines themselves by their bestseller status may feel crushed if their next book doesn’t perform as well.
Spiritual Progress: Even spiritual practices can be co-opted by the ego. Feeling "more advanced" than others because of meditation or mindfulness achievements is a common trap. The ego turns humility into pride, fostering a sense of superiority.
Negative Ego Games
Triggers and Reactions: The ego thrives on being "right" or feeling wronged. When someone criticizes you, the ego may react defensively, trying to justify or protect itself. For example, if someone calls you lazy, the ego might either lash out in anger or spiral into self-doubt.
Insecurity and Comparison: Seeing someone more successful, attractive, or talented can trigger feelings of inadequacy. The ego amplifies these thoughts, creating a narrative of "not being enough."
Victimhood: The ego sometimes attaches to suffering as an identity. Feeling like "the one who has been wronged" can provide a sense of importance but ultimately keeps you trapped in pain and resentment.
Observing Without Attaching Meaning
Whether the ego is playing a positive or negative game, the solution is the same: awareness without attachment. When you receive a compliment, notice the ego’s reaction. Does it cling to the affirmation? Does it inflate your sense of self? Observe these tendencies without judgment or trying to change them.
Similarly, when triggered by criticism or comparison, pause and recognize the ego’s narrative. Instead of reacting or suppressing the emotion, simply observe it. This act of observation disrupts the ego’s automatic patterns and allows you to respond consciously.
Practical Steps to Balance Positive and Negative Games
Watch Your Triggers: Triggers reveal the ego’s games. Whether positive (validation) or negative (criticism), they provide opportunities to observe the ego in action. For example, if someone praises your kindness, notice how you feel. Do you try to "be even kinder" to maintain the image, or do you simply appreciate the moment without attaching meaning?
Practice Equanimity: Treat praise and criticism alike. Neither defines your true self. This practice helps you remain balanced, regardless of external circumstances.
Understand the Transient Nature of States: Recognize that all states—joy, pride, anger, or sadness—are temporary. Attaching to any state, positive or negative, creates suffering when it inevitably changes.
Cultivate Present-Moment Awareness: The ego thrives in past and future narratives. By staying present, you weaken its hold. For instance, instead of reliving a compliment or criticism, bring your focus to your breath or a simple sensory experience.
Freedom Through Understanding
The ego isn’t an enemy to be defeated but a mechanism to be understood. Like the itch, its power lies not in its existence but in our reaction to it. When we stop trying to fight or eliminate the ego and instead learn to observe it, its grip naturally loosens. Over time, this understanding brings a profound sense of freedom, allowing us to navigate life with greater clarity and compassion.
As Stephen Wolinsky highlights, the journey is not about reaching a final state but about deepening our awareness of the transient, ever-changing nature of our thoughts, emotions, and identities. By embracing this understanding—both the positive and negative games of the ego—we move beyond its grip and into a life of greater presence and peace.
